A Satirical Defense Of Alcoholic Beverages

By Pastor Bruce K. Oyen
 

Introduction
    As the title states, this is a satirical defense of alcoholic beverages. Sometimes satire helps make a point clear. I hope it will make the light go on in the minds of those who read it. 
My satire on alcoholic beverages:
    Many of us present-day Christians oppose the use of alcoholic beverages. So have many of them from the past. This is also true of many non-Christians.
    But we have been wrong in our opposition to alcoholic beverages. We have overlooked the fact that alcoholic beverages are a major source of employment for those in need of money. Without the use of alcoholic beverages, thousands of persons would be unemployed or under-employed. As proof of this claim, what follows is a partial list of jobs provided by the use of such beverages.
  • Bouncers at bars and night clubs get paid to stop the fights at these places. 
  • Casket makers profit from alcoholic beverages. Many persons die as a result of alcohol-related car accidents and other accidents, fires, alcohol overdoses, murders, and other things. This keeps the casket makers busy.
  • Cemetery workers. They get paid to dig the graves, mow the lawns, and do other things to keep cemeteries ready for use.
  • The cremation industry profits from alcoholic beverages. Not everyone wants to be embalmed and put in a casket. Many want to be burned up and put in an urn or have their remains scattered by the winds.
  • Urn makers profit from alcoholic beverages. They make the urns in which are put the cremated remains of the deceased.
  • Gravestone makers profit from alcoholic beverages.
  • Morticians profit from alcoholic beverages.
  • Other funeral home workers profit from alcoholic beverages.
  • Hearse makers profit from alcoholic beverages.
  • Florists profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to provide the beautiful flower arrangements seen at funerals.
  • Musicians profit from alcoholic beverages. They often get paid for providing music at funerals.
  • Ministers, rabbis, priests, and other clergy-persons profit from alcoholic beverages. They often get paid for officiating at funerals.
  • Police officers profit from alcoholic beverages. Such beverages keep them busy dealing with alcohol-related car accidents, fires, domestic violence, and murders.
  • Ambulance workers profit from alcoholic beverages. They are sent to help those hurt in alcohol-related car accidents, fires, and violence.
  • Firemen and firewomen profit from alcoholic beverages. They are sent to put out alcohol-related fires and accidents.
  • Jail workers profit from alcoholic beverages. They must take care of persons put in jail for alcohol-related crimes.
  • Prison wardens and guards profit from alcoholic beverages. They have jobs because of crimes committed by those under the influence of alcohol.
  • Doctors and nurses profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to take care of patients with alcohol-related injuries and health problems.
  • Physical therapists profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to help persons recover from alcohol-related physical problems.
  • Psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to help persons with alcohol-related personal problems.
  • Marriage and family counselors profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to help solve the problems alcohol causes in marriages and families.
  • Divorce lawyers profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to help end marriages destroyed by alcohol.
  • Judges profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to preside over alcohol-related court cases.
  • Insurance companies profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to provide insurance for a variety of alcohol-related things, such as car accidents.
  • Automobile repairmen profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to fix automobiles damaged in accidents caused by drunk drivers.
  • Television, radio and newspaper reporters profit from alcoholic beverages. They get paid to report on alcohol-related accidents, fires, murders, rapes, domestic abuse, and other things.
In Conclusion
    It is hoped that this satirical defense of alcoholic beverages helps readers to see the extensive negative affect such beverages have on our society.
    It is also hoped that readers understand that most of those persons who do profit from the use of alcoholic beverages are heart-broken by the results of their use. Most of them would rather not have to provide the services they do as a result of the use of alcoholic beverages.
   
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